I consider the most dangerous, destructive, maddening, and challenging personality disorder to be narcissism. Discovered from study of psychology and reinforced time and again through interactions with various employers, family members, and folks on the street – to say nothing of politicians and government employees – I now personally rank Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as on of the primary sources of controlling and manipulative behavior, know-it-all attitudes, abuse and exploitation, and cognitive dissonance in the minds of millions of unsuspecting or helpless victims.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV-TR) – the Bible of mental health professionals – lists the “essential feature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder [as] a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is presented in a variety of contexts.” To be diagnosed with NPD, one must exhibit five or more of the following features (all direct quotes or paraphrased from the DSM):
(1) A grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
- often implicit in the inflated judgment of their own accomplishments is an underestimation (devaluation) of the contributions of others
(2) Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- they may ruminate about “long overdue” admiration and privilege and compare themselves favorably with famous or privileged people
(3) Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
- they believe their needs are special and beyond the ken of ordinary people
- likely insist on being affiliated with the “best” professionals or institutions, but devalue the credentials of those who disappoint them
(4) Requires excessive admiration
- they may expect their arrival to be greeted with great fanfare and are astonished if others do not covet their possessions
- constantly fish for compliments, often with great charm
(5) A sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
- they expect to be catered to and are puzzled or furious when this does not happen
(6) Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own needs
- expect to be given whatever they want or feel they need, no matter what it might mean to others
- e.g., may expect great dedication from others and may overwork them without regard for the impact on their lives
- form relationships that are likely to advance their purposes
(7) Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
- tend to discuss their own concerns in inappropriate and lengthy detail, while failing to recognize that others also have feelings and needs
- contemptuous and impatient with others who talk about their own problems and concerns
(8) Is often envious of others or believes that other are envious of him or her
- may begrudge others their successes or possessions, feeling that they better deserve those achievements, admiration, or privileges
(9) Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Sound like anyone you know?
A friend asked me how I believe narcissism differs from rational self-interest. After all, he asked, in what ways do the above behaviors differ from those of an individual who is acting in pursuit of his own wants and desires? I agreed that narcissists are selfish – but I think they pursue their goals by committing moral theft. That is, they steal unearned employment or friendship from those around them. Conceptualize a personal relationship as a voluntary and mutually-beneficial contract between two people (a two-way street, to use the common phrase); the narcissist’s undeserved sense of entitlement constitutes expectation of services without payment. Narcissists view life and the world around them as a wheel of one-way roads – all leading to them. The majority of us understand (at least subconsciously) that we cannot treat friends, family, coworkers, or strangers disrespectfully if we want our relationships with them to continue. While we may not like or see eye to eye with everyone in our lives, we can at least agree they are self-respecting individuals with their own interests, opinions, wants, needs, and basic natural rights. Narcissists, on the other hand, view other people as objects to be maneuvered and controlled in order to gain advantage over them or others.
If personal relationships are voluntary, who would ever choose to engage or continue in a relationship with a narcissist, you ask? Narcissists seem to have an uncanny ability for identifying those who suffer from low self-esteem, a heightened desire to please, attachment disorders, and cognitive dissonance. After recognizing these optimal conditions or personalities, the narcissist attacks using a balanced approach of building-up and putting-down their associates (generating a “double-bind” scenario in the minds of the victims), creating and dividing alliances, and exiling those who resist. For example, the narcissist may clearly state your talents, intelligence, and abilities in one moment, and yet, in the next – through an ensuing, highly complex series of subtle derogatory remarks or behaviors – shake the foundations of your confidence to the floor, leaving you utterly confused about where you stand with the narcissist or what you should do next. If you’ve ever had the feeling in a relationship that you “can’t win,” beware! You may be tangling with a narcissist. (Note: NPD shares certain features with other personality disorders. “The most useful features in discriminating Narcissistic Personality Disorder from Histrionic, Antisocial, and Borderline Personality Disorder, whose interactive styles are respectively coquettish, callous, and needy, is the grandiosity characteristic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”)
How long will the relationship go on? For as long as the exploited allows the exploitation to continue! If you choose to resist a narcissist, however, be advised that you’re most likely walking into a firestorm. The narcissist only surrounds himself with those who are compliant and malleable. Your strong identity or philosophy presents a danger that cannot be tolerated or allowed to threaten the masterfully-constructed environment of total and uncontested agreement with and obedience to the narcissist.
As with all personality disorders, the most dangerous form of narcissism occurs when coupled with high intelligence. This combination often results in master manipulation – a highly sophisticated form of control whose approach is masked to the victim and which leaves little evidence of its presence. Following an interaction with a “bright narcissist,” the victim is often left wondering what just happened and assigning blame for lingering feelings of unpleasantness or unidentifiable guilt to his own perceived mistakes or inadequacies.
Narcissism is especially cruel in associations that are involuntary. These include the “relationships” you share with gatekeepers: politicians, judges and juries, tax collectors, policemen, regulators, and licensure people. Although these individuals often do not exhibit high intelligence, you are nevertheless fully vulnerable to the arrogance, illogicality, and legally-backed force of another person or body who truly believes he or they are morally and intellectually superior to you. How many legislators, economists, crafters of foreign policy, or local council folk continually pass laws and ordinances to enforce what they posit as right and good, regardless of their own hypocritical behaviors and in opposition to the opinions and individual liberties of those who disagree with them? By what right of theirs, and to what sacrifice of yourself?
Interestingly, personality disorders tend to affect or “pull” at different people in different ways. For whatever reasons – be they my own anxieties, inherent stubbornness, or just too many contradictory and confusing interactions with arrogant people (or, God forbid, my own personality disorder!) – folks with NPD drive me nuts. Hopefully, after reading this, you will be slightly more prepared to recognize and navigate narcissism and avoid the tormenting feelings of confusion and self-doubt it fosters in its victims.
© 2009 myrationalreality.com. Permission to reprint in whole or in part is granted, provided full credit is given.
Sounds like my sister in-law and plenty of past bosses! Wonder how the male NPD differs from male? Seems like the female NPD is as bad as the male borderline.